mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
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My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her