Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
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Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I am, perchance
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.