My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
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me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.