Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
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they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
A double negative is a big no-no.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
thanksgiving should be called feaster
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.