Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
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I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
cats when you pet them too long:
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.