date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
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KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace