[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
You Might Also Like
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?