guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Strangers have the best candy.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.