mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
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“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture