Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
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[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
“i miss shittin on people”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Brother?
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.