*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
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One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
doctor: I鈥檝e written you a prescription here. Follow that and let鈥檚 check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn鈥檛 we鈥檒l know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you鈥檙e older you鈥檒l have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don鈥檛 be silly, when I鈥檓 older I鈥檒l be a panda
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.