“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
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Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.