I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
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so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Worst Native American name ever.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.