If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
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If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
WWE is French for “yes”
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…