this is the best interaction on twitter
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Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.