*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
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“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship