My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
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i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that