I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
You Might Also Like
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
In banana years, I am bread.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
live, laugh, laundry.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Lol.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
This will never not be funny 😭