political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
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12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm