[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
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Cats are still liquid.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Isn’t
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.