No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
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flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
#parenting
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried