Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
You Might Also Like
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar