Me in tagged photos
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He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Seems legit
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.