*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
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“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Ron is short for Aaronald
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
got so much cardio in today
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.