If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
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I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
😏😏😏
Thrilling chase underway
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Just a phase…
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.