Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
You Might Also Like
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Sheep
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
The glockness monster
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.