ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.