[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
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*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing