Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
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My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back