Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
You Might Also Like
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Put a ring on it
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”