my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
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Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.