“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
You Might Also Like
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”