It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
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A closed mouth gathers no fries.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that