am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
You Might Also Like
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
In banana years, I am bread.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I love you…
…r dog.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”