Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
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People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
The options really are this bad
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?