computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
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“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Duolingo getting serious.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Möther may I have a snäck
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
emergency phone
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13