they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”