outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
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“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.