Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
You Might Also Like
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name