If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.