I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
You Might Also Like
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
why isn’t he texting back
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
this is the best interaction on twitter
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
My dog after a walk in the woods.