Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
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Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it