$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
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After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”