I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
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shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better