I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
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I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
mechanics be like
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle