Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
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An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
lost dog
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.