squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what