Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Pickled cat.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Them: You should try keto
Me:
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
This is a sub tweet
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
You know…for fall…
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.