He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
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Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Me: …
Dog: …
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.