My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
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Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
choose your gary
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?